Can you remember a time when you were driving and got lost but didn't want to stop and ask for directions?  What were the reasons?  Maybe the person you would've asked could be dangerous, stopping to ask could've taken too much time and effort, you could've gotten wrong directions, it would've meant admitting a weakness and you would've felt embarassed, or you didn't want to inconvenience anyone by stopping to ask for help.  The reasons you didn't want to seek help when you were lost are similar to the reasons seniors resist help from others. Seniors will resist help even when the help means a significant improvement to their quality of life.  By understanding why seniors refuse assistance in their daily lives, we can better serve them and their families in ways that satisfy everyone's needs.  Below are some of the reasons seniors refuse help:

1. The help will make the recipient lose their freedom or autonomy.  For example, if you help me do the errands, I will forget how to drive.
2. The help will make the recipient feel like he/she is inadequate in some way.  If you think I need help with meal preparation, there must be something wrong with me and my cooking.
3. The help will make the recipient feel like he/she owes the person who is helping.  If you help me with housekeeping, I should do the same for you.  But if I am unable to help you back then I don't want to accept your help.

How can we work with someone who feels these different emotions when resisting help?  Let's start with example number one.  Losing freedom or autonomy is a big fear for someone who has always been independent and self-reliant.  If this is the fear the approach should focus on reassuring that independence.  "Even though you've always done your own driving, you are now starting to have difficulty with it.  It puts your health and safety at risk as well as the health and safety of others.  If something happened while you were driving, you could lose more than just the ability to drive.  Having someone help will maintain your independent lifestyle."

     In example number two, the recipient would feel inadequate by accepting help.  He or she needs reassurance that accepting help does not mean that he or she is inadequate.  Give examples of others that the person admires who have done the same thing.  Remind the person that accepting help means he or she is smart enough to recognize a weakness and get it addressed before it escalates to a bigger problem.

In the third example, the recipient needs to feel that there is an equal exchange of help between the helper and the recipient.  You can make the person feel that you are both "even" by explaining that by accepting help he/she is helping you by lifting off some of the responsibility.  Also, paying for assistance is an equal exchange between the aid and the customer.

By understanding what is driving the resistance we can better communicate and overcome the obstacles to helping our seniors.  They feel the same human emotions we all experience in our everyday lives.  Holding onto independence gives one a good feeling and increases self-esteem.  The goal should be to empower your loved one to remain independent, not to take it away.